During lockdown, I did a big clear out of my home office and I found a notebook from 2012 from when I was in Boston at my very first HOW Design Live conference. This was a BIG DEAL for me to attend. At the time, I was working as a graphic designer “in-house” for a big construction engineering company where I got to make graphics and branding packages for their projects. It was a great steppingstone job as a new graphic designer, but I always knew I wanted to do my own thing from a very early age. Jump *further* back in time to 1999…check out this very neon paper I found recently when clearing out my parents’ garage.

I was a preteen who didn’t know what copyright symbol meant, but I still used it on the back of my neon portfolio (that likely matched by fanny pack) and the name is SO close to what is now my company name. *The knowing was always in me, even when my head tried to talk me out of it, MANY TIMES.*

Jumping back to 2012. The notebook from the HOW Conference is riddled with notes about going freelance, the tools/systems I need to have in place and positive messages of encouragement to take the risk and follow this dream. I remember meeting people and hearing talks from all kinds of designers and feeling SO INSPIRED. My notes talk about the plan to start my own business. I write about what that would feel like, to get to set my schedule, to work with people who value my skills and talent. At this same conference, one of the speakers asked everyone in the audience to write a letter to ourselves stating our goals for the rest of the year.  I wrote my goal to “have the courage to leave my job and start my own design business.”

I remember receiving the letter in the mail when I was back home and keeping it safe in a drawer. I didn’t take the leap for another 3 years. I set up my own website and worked on the odd freelance job in my spare time. It was a slow burn, but I did it. Since December 2015 I’ve been my own boss.  All those notes I wrote to myself about what I wanted and how I would do it. I did it. I fucking did it.

Here i am nearly 5 years since starting my company and I have the all the things I wrote about in that conference notebook. I have the ability to work with likeminded people, support businesses with creativity, more of less set my own schedule and support myself and my family. I never celebrated this. I have not stopped to notice, to pat myself on the back… none of that. Pre-covid I was in a good flow, making concrete plans to take my business into new areas and offer new services. Then the pandemic hit and I went into workaholic mode, filling all my time with work and not put myself or my dreams/wants/desires on the “to-do-list.” Worked late, worked weekends, worked all the time, because it was easier to fill my time with paid work than help myself, my business or dare I say, feel anything!

Here I am sharing these pics of *my knowing* that I’ve had in me since 1999 and beyond. Finding these notes to myself has helped me pause, reflect and see that my reaction to the pandemic was to work as much as possible out of fear. Fear of feeling. Fear of losing everything I’ve worked for. Fear of lack. I see this now. I see that in the past I’ve set goals, met them and moved on to the next. I also see that the support that offer my clients is something that I need to give my own business. I did this in the beginning and it’s time to revisit and get back into the flow.

My point is. Remember to Pause. Celebrate your wins. Celebrate achieving your goals and then make new ones. Don’t do what I’ve been doing and filing all the space with stuff that may not be what you or your business needs. I’m calling myself IN here (not out) as I embark on a bit of pause, reflection and pivot in the direction of what FEELS right.

Dare I call this Covid Diaries with Meg… we will see. Until then, take good care of yourself so you can do intentional work.